Saturday, June 2, 2007


After watching a beautiful movie, I was wondering... and what is the craziest thing I have ever done in my life? There are several candidates apart from sex. Like composing a musical theme to a teacher I was in love with. Or buying an expensive record to learn a song, to be dedicated to the girl I wanted... which I never got the opportunity to sing.

It’s about music. And music will always be in my heart, but...

Now it’s like a girlfriend I had to dump, for my own good. I loved music, but I cannot live with it. I hear beautiful music, and I feel much like playing something again. But it’s a bad habit.

In these days, I’m retaking the path I should have followed for all of my life. My life is not about music. Suddenly I remembered. It’s about science, especially stars. At least in my far future, I am decided to follow the stars. But first, I have to learn science.

I had to dump music. There was no point in pretending I was any good at it. I could sing in tune, right, I could manage to play a guitar, and maybe a piano. But there ain’t anything else. I thought the love for music was reciprocal. But I should have realized that it wasn’t. After any performance, after the many performances of the school orchestra and even the choir, I felt EMPTY. Everything I had in my heart was a pitiful sensation of EMPTINESS. My subconscious was telling me "this is not your way". My parents knew. It seemed I was the only one not realizing it.

I made several friends by the music, and I know it’ll be kind of hard to understand this position. But after a long and hard, but satisfactory day in the lab, I feel good. I feel good when teaching science, when teaching what I know. I feel good when I come to conclusions. I feel good making dissertations explaining my results. I don’t feel the emptiness I feel with music. When I read Carl Sagan’s books on science topics, I feel myself touched deeply in my heart. It fills my entire being. A beautiful sensation of belonging, thinking of “this is mine and this is where I belong”. This is who I am.

And I do not like pharmacy either; I like more basic sciences like chemistry and physics, but that will be another post's subject.

I still have a question, mostly to satisfy my scientist spirit. If everything made me point to science since I was a child, why was I distracted with music? Could it have been that I started directly with science at school, and nothing else? It seems like not. I have a feeling that there’s a lesson in being distracted by the music. I’ll figure it out.

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